Booze, booze, booze pt 3
Honorable mention goes to Iron Man #182, which has Tony at his absolute lowest point. A full-blown bum, he passes some beat cops who warn him take shelter from an oncoming winter storm. One says, “Every winter, the first bad storm we find five or six winos in doorways, frozen to death. And you, pally, are a wino.” Tony ignores them and trudges on, looking for a fellow street friend.
At this point, Tony’s self-loathing is almost this tangible, physical thing that takes shots at him whenever he opens his mouth, or has a day where he looks too much like his father, or- and this is getting more often- a day where he acts too much like his father.
Distant, cold, calculating, and Tony gets it now.
He gets why his own father couldn’t look at him, why sometimes even Pepper has to swallow and glance down, because she can’t handle seeing him break like this: so utterly, so completely, being smashed to pieces, and keeping a calm shell throughout the whole thing.
He never reaches for a glass, not once, while the news is re-playing the footage of Steve- Captain America, he means- being shot through the neck.
He keeps his cool, he doesn’t break down until he absolutely has to, when it’s howling inside his chest and he has to brace his head against the wall as his head swims: a wild animal eating it’s own foot off to get free and making it to the next safehouse before dying from blood loss.
He has a panic attack once, twice, three times, and he makes sure no-one sees.
He walks with his head high all the way down to the station, all through the crossfire of sneers and judging eyes that don’t stop the entire way there, all the way to Steve’s body, and doesn’t break, doesn’t crumple and let it all crush him until he touches Steve’s face and it’s cold.
Tony’s never been enough, and the words sit low and heavy on his tongue, making him gag, making him dry-heave and choke on his own bullshit, because it’s too late and it doesn’t matter and he’d take it all back if he could, he’d take everything back in a heartbeat, he’d take the bullet, he’d take every punch, anything Steve could give him, if he could get him back-
And it’s not enough, it’ll never be enough, because he’s never been good with words, and he kisses Steve’s mouth for the first and last time while he’s at room temperature and couldn’t kiss back if he wanted to, which Tony knows he wouldn’t.
"It wasn’t worth it."
It starts with a portal swallowing around that stubborn bastard
and then your splayed fingers over his chest: lightless,
for you to start counting just what he gives.
His money, droves of it, all sloughing off into charities,
galas where you held your breath…
You there… Freeze! You’re under arrest for being so nice and cute. Copy this message to 10 other blogs that you think are beautiful and deserve it. Keep the game going and make others feel beautiful ❤
Systemax has decided to seize further enhancement update on SAI and shift towards SAI2 development.
Because SAI would abandon some of the planned features, SAI2 will be offered free for previous license owner. However SAI will still be updated/supported for…